Heart Felt Journal

Kochel Am See - June 30, 2010

2010-08-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

Every day of our Europe trip was fantastic, so it never occurred to me to pick a favorite. Yet invariably that is the first question people ask, "What was your favorite thing/place?" I still don't think I could ever pick a favorite, but this place was extra enchanting and I find myself wishing to return for long weekend visits to just relax and explore.

In Bavaria on the shores of Kochelsee in the district of Bad Tölz-Wolfratshausen lies Kochel Am See (Kochel on the Lake). We had not planned to stay here. Mom's original plan between Salzburg and Oberammergau called for taking the Autobahn to Munich, then south, spending one night in the Garmisch-Partenkirchen area. That morning, we decided to take the smaller, red road looked fine (interesting how we evaluate roads on a map by color) through Bad Tolz and look for a small town after rejoining the autobahn.

We pulled off to look in Grossweil. Didn't find much and it was still early, so we drove a bit further to Schlehdorf on the shores of Kochelsee. We almost had a room, but things seemed a bit flakey and the room they wound up giving us was fly-infested and unkempt. We drove on again to Kochel Am See and quickly found a hotel to our liking: Hotel zur Post. We arrived just before 6 pm and went for a walk around town. Only a small cafe was open, so gelato was our dinner before going down to the lake.

Though nearly deserted now (not quite vacation season there), it is obvious this is a bustling vacation spot. Boat docks, swimming areas, walking paths and parks, even an overgrown mini-golf course, spoke of the popularity of this lake and town and it was easy to see why. A sea of glass with occasional ripples reflects the majestic alps and surrounding hills. You just absorb the peace and calm. To add to the splendor, a majestic swan appeared just before sunset. (Mom was SO patient with two photographers snapping hundreds of photos!)

Early the next morning, I walked the trails alone. The morning sun creates beautiful colors and wonderful photo ops, plus that freshness only early mornings can give. There were church bells, of course, but the solitude was wonderful. I meandered over the hill to the lake, knowing it was silly to hope that swan would still be there... in fact, hoping there would be a pair of swans, as if wishes could control wild creatures. Well, I got my wish! And further around the point was a family - Dad, Mom and baby swan. I almost wore my camera out. Not really, but I did take tons of photos.

To top off the morning walk, there in the early morning on the shores, a man was serenading the world with his accordion. Right on the water's edge he played a lilting oom-pa-pa tune that floated across the smooth waters. Cheerful and soothing, not brash at all.

At trail's end (or the beginning if you start at the parking lot) a sign honors the town's famous artist, Franz Marc. One of his paintings shows twin haystacks over poles - Heuhocken. Yes, I put this in Google and translated it. Do it for yourself. I love literal translations. :-)

This is definitely on my list of places to go again. Wish it wasn't so far away.
More Photos on my Flickr

Getting There is Half the Fun

2010-07-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Or so the saying goes. Michelle and I flew from Portland to Seattle, then transferred to our Luftansa flight to Frankfurt. Besides movies and music, one of the options for the viewing screen in each seat was current flight information. Live satellite positioning from various distances included day/night indication through light and shadow. We flew north over Canada, Greenland and Iceland before clipping Great Britain and crossing into Europe. I was excited to peek out the window at these new lands, but repeatedly disappointed by the nearly unbroken layer of clouds below. Interesting to me is that the sun never set, something I'd only heard about before.

In Frankfurt the clouds unleashed. Our flight landed out on the tarmac and we took a shuttle into the terminal. Due to some construction and lack of clear directions, we had quite a walk to our next gate. The flight to Rome was a bit bumpy due to the weather, but the sun was shining in a cloudless sky once we arrived. We managed to find our luggage before settling in for the hour wait for Mom to arrive. While waiting, I noticed a sign for a shuttle that would drop us near the Vatican. The price was less than what Mom had stated for transportation and our hotel was near the Vatican, so this seemed like a great deal.

Mom arrived. We wheeled our luggage out into the hot Italian sun and waited for the shuttle. Naturally, many shuttles are running about the airport, but finally ours arrived and we popped our suitcases into the underneath storage and hopped aboard. Comfy and air conditioned, we settled into seeing the sights along the way. I loved the old world styles of most homes and loved the age of everything. There would certainly be many textures and architectural details for me to photograph!

Upon arriving at Piazza Cavour, the driver got off to give us our bags. Since we were some of the first customers, our luggage was in the back. The driver didn't speak much English, so a young lady helped with explaining where our bags were. The driver was visibly upset that our bags hadn't been placed correctly. Most people were traveling on to the Metro terminal, so ours should have been placed on the outside for easy access. Oh, well. Different language; bound to be glitches.

So, there we stood with our various bags in the hot afternoon sun. Mom and I each pulled out guidebooks with maps and searched for Piazza Cavour. No luck. We looked for street signs - Oh, there they are. Street names are carved into stones on the sides of the buildings. Sadly, we couldn't find those streets on our maps either, since we weren't even sure which direction we were from the Vatican. We started to walk, assuming the street with a signal light several blocks away would be on our maps. It was, but we didn't know our cross street, so still a bit stumped. We finally asked a local to show us where we were on our map. Once oriented, we knew right where to go.

Tired from lack of sleep and toting luggage for nearly a mile over cobblestone sidewalks, we arrived at where our hotel should be. No big signs, as I would expect in the States. In fact, things looked a little dingy and graffiti was everywhere. We started to doubt our hotel choice and reservations. Just then a kindly Italian gentleman approached and asked if we were looking for Hotel Les Chambre D'Or. We were, but since I hadn't heard it pronounced before it took a moment to realize that is what we wanted. He showed us the location of the office, we were shown to our rooms and we could finally rest for a bit.

New discoveries:
*Rome has graffiti everywhere! You'd think such a proud, ancient city would clean up it's streets.
*The ground floor isn't the first floor, as it is here. They start at "0," so our "1st floor" room was upstairs on what I would call the 2nd floor.
*Loved the old elevator! Metal cage outside and wooden/glass car inside. Normally, I walked for the exercise, though.
*Despite similar architecture, each building is unique with unique designs and styles. Photo overload for me!

Most Embarrassing Moment

2010-07-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

We've all been in gatherings where this topic is used as an icebreaker. I always hate these kinds of questions because, while I know I've had my share of embarrassing moments, my mind goes blank and that becomes an embarrassing moment. The day before my vacation, however, I managed to pull off a classic embarrassment with my own unique twist.

In addition to frantically packing and running last-minute errands, I had to go to the sleep clinic, see the doctor for the results of my sleep study, get my prescription for a CPAP machine, then go get the machine at a nearby business. (No by choice. I had asked for a referral in February, since my mom and daughter refused to let me sleep in the same room unless my snoring stopped. Things were dropped and overlooked all spring, so this was critical to complete before vacation.) Today as I returned for a follow-up visit I was reminded of my gaffe.

After that doctor visit I shared the elevator ride to the parking garage with a 20-something pizza delivery guy. I joked with him a bit about hospital food and the need for his services there. (He had delivered to the staff, not patients.) He was polite, letting me exit first and holding the door for me. Upon arriving at the CPAP business, I stood at the busy counter for a good 5 to 10 minutes before they could see what I needed. After all the running, I was grateful to flop down and rest of the small couch beside a kind-looking elderly lady.

She leaned over and sweetly whispered in my ear... "I think you have some toilet paper sticking out in back."

Worse. I reached back and was mortified to feel the slick paper of a toilet seat cover. My mind raced back over all the encounters since leaving the bathroom about an hour earlier. Yes, the doctor and some of the office staff would have seen. That polite pizza delivery guy (amazing he could contained what must have been side-splitting laughter). All the people in that waiting room. Yeah. No escaping the facts. Maybe it was a good thing I was leaving the country...

Back in the USA

2010-07-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

I've struggled with how to begin. Time to post seems short, but I find myself wanting to show every photo and include every story from our trip. Despite how wonderful it was for us, and not matter how intriguing I may be able to make things sound, no one will want to spend 3 solid weeks reading about my adventures and looking at my pictures. So, I have to start somewhere. I'll start with some thoughts Michelle and I had our first few days home.

Things I noticed since back from my recent trip to Italy, Austria and Germany.
-the cars are so big!
-the cars are so many colors
-the parking spaces are huge
-public restrooms with toilet seat covers; heck, toilets with seats!
-nothing is older than a few hundred years
-you can buy lunch/dinner at 4, 5 or even 6 pm
-there aren't dozens of motorcycles or scooters whizzing between cars, courting disaster
-can't find decent mozzarella fresca
-the cows don't have bells
-no church bells pealing for all to wake nor chiming the hours
-where are all the castles and walled cities?
-few shutters and window boxes
-I miss the European windows that open two ways
-there are more than 10 channels on my TV and most of them are in English
-no dogs lounging in the restaurants
-much less graffiti here
-overhead wires for electric buses and trains are almost non-existant
-buildings and signs are so plain and ordinary

Taylor Marks

2009-08-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

I was in disbelief when I read the email last night that Taylor Marks had been killed in Iraq Thursday. I hadn't seen Taylor in a few years, but my daughter Michelle and I had just been wondering what he was up to a few days ago. We didn't know he was deployed to Iraq and now wish we had kept in contact with him and his family more frequently.
(Normally, I am over-zealous about not infringing on copyrighted material, but I wanted to post this photo of Taylor, so I hope the Oregon National Guard forgives me for using their picture.)

Taylor was a close friend of my daughter throughout their middle and high school years. His mother and I had been in the same single mom's group at church. I was the interpreter for a boy in Taylor's small group in middle school for nearly a year before I learned that my friend was the mom of Michelle's friend.

Taylor was silly and wacky, but always a good kid with a wonderful heart. He had a growing faith and was the best of friends to my daughter, who had a very difficult home life due to her sister's serious problems. Taylor was always there for her. I always felt they made a great couple and was surprised they never dated. Many people assumed they were a couple, but they were just close friends. I had missed him once he changed to another church.

This photo of Taylor is from middle school. Sadly, it is the only photo I seem to have of him. It has been rough for my daughter and I to deal with the grief, but we had a rare visit with my granddaughter planned for today, so that kept us busy. We want to go visit his mom on Monday and support her during this unbelievably difficult time. Please pray for Taylor's mom, step-dad, sister and father.

Going Green, even if it's blue

2009-08-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sure, I care for the environment and, yes, I did belong to the Sierra Club and supported the World Wildlife Fund when I was in high school in the 70's. (Who didn't?) I loved hiking and backpacking and wanted to know that we would always have wilderness places to enjoy and wild animals to see. But I've never been an extremist or activist. I recycle, but occasionally throw out a can or jar in the trash instead (usually because I found it in the back of the fridge with something fuzzy growing in it).

Interestingly, I find myself more and more concerned with going Green and becoming more eco-friendly. I have bought a number of fabric reusable grocery bags. I even remember to take them in with me on occasion. I reuse the plastic grocery bags as trash can liners or lunch sacks. I even reuse plastic containers (yogurt cups to take out sauce cups) for mixing paints or other craft needs.

Maybe it is the increasing emphasis on going Green that I see on TV. I find myself watching the Green network (who knew it even existed?). QuiltingArts and Cloth Paper Scissors magazines, plus the whole lot of Stampington Press have more and more on using green materials, recycling and upcycling (a new vocabulary word for me). The online ideas sent by CraftStylish also often includes recycled or green projects.

Pictured at the top of the page is one of the better ideas I've seen. Make your own reusable produce bags! Inexpensive netting and a bit of yarn or ribbon make bags you can use over and over instead of adding plastic bags to the landfill. I made and used my first one last week. Quick to make; I plan to make a bunch more. The netting is less than $2 per yard and comes in a variety of colors. I decided I liked blue, this time, but may go with yellow or purple next time. It was also easy to find coordinating thread and ribbon, though you really could use whatever you have at hand.

What cool "green" ideas have you seen lately?

Tropical Snowballs

2009-08-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed the movie Julie & Julia, remembering fondly watching Julia Child years ago and being inspired to try new recipes and have fun with my cooking and baking. I'm not good with keeping a regular routine, such as Julie Powell cooking through Julia's book in one year, blogging her experience daily. My days are just to unpredictable, no, I'm too unpredictable, to follow such a regimen on my own. I have a habit of not honoring commitments made to myself.

But I WANT to be consistent. I love to write and often "blog" in my head, even if I don't have the time or energy to get to the computer to type the words. At the same time, I love cooking and would love to host my own cooking show. I plan to actually enter The Next Food Network Star competition this year, though I can't imagine what unique culinary point of view I could offer. I love to invent recipes and want others to enjoy cooking, not dread or fear it.

I've decided (we'll see if I do follow through) that I need to do a vlog of cooking. Each time I invent a new recipe, I want to make a video showing the steps and just have some fun with it. I want to respect my deaf friends, but doubt I'll have time to caption my movies. I think I should make signed versions as well as voice versions.

I've also decided that what I lack in culinary expertise I could learn through a similar method that Julie Powell took. If I find some great cookbooks that include a wide array of culinary techniques, I can cook my way through them to learn the classic preparations and sauces the "big" chefs use. It should be fun along the way.

So, to the main point of my thoughts today. While shopping for a specific book (which was not to be found) my daughters and I happened upon the following book...

(only ours has blue gingham; 2007 edition)
Cool. Should be good inspiration as we face this year's state fair in a few weeks. I wondered if I or any of my notable competitors had recipes in the book. I checked and Oregon was one of the fairs included. Time was short, the store was closing, so I made the quick decision to buy the book (luckily not too expensive at Ross). At home, I leafed through the book. Great recipes. I can't wait to try them, especially the ones from the Maui Onion Festival.

For now, get your copy and turn to page 342. I'll wait. Oh, you don't have the book? Okay, here is a photo of the page for you. (click image to enlarge)

There I am. Nestled between Blueberry-Ginger Sorbet (Maine) and Pumpkin-Ginger Ice Cream. I vaguely remembered being asked permission to have one of my recipes included in this type of cookbook, but couldn't remember when and I had never heard anything else about it. It was so neat to find myself in print! Feel free to make some... they have no added sugar and came from a recipe I invented for my diabetic step-dad earlier that summer.

Hope to start vlogging this week as I begin practicing for this year's fair. Keep cookin'!

Lemons

2009-05-09T20:30:00.001-07:00

We've all heard it for years. "When life gives you lemons..."

Point taken. Don't let "sour" circumstances dictate a sour life. Respond to the situation in a positive and creative way.

But I like lemons. Not only is fresh lemonade a great treat, but there is lemon pie (I like the two-crust pie made with slices of fresh lemon as opposed to the standard meringue-topped varitey), lemon bars (my mom makes the best ones) and slices of lemon stuffed into the clean belly of a trout or salmon. The citrus bite of the lemon adds freshness to all manor of dishes from appetizers to desserts, sweets to savory dishes. Such a versatile fruit. It is a shame it has been forced to bear the stigma of all that is negative in life.

When I think of lemons, I immediately think of my mom. She lives in a neighborhood that was a lemon grove in a previous lifetime. Thankfully, some of the trees were preserved and they bear bright yellow fruit throughout the year. We take daily walks and I love that I can "shop" for part of our menu without ever going to the store.

The photo above shows the most recent member of my garden: a Meyer lemon. I didn't know until recently that lemons could be grown here in Oregon, but once I learned that great news I immediately found a nearby nursery that stocked them. I will have to protect it when temps drop to 30 degrees or below, but I don't mind putting in that effort to be rewarded with stunning yellow fruits in their season.

So, life didn't give me lemons today. I actually sought them out and paid handsomely for them! With all the yumminess inherent in lemons, maybe we should work to change that old saying. How about, "When life gives you Brussels sprouts...?"

Hidden Problems

2009-05-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

I don't spend much time in my detached garage during the winter. I drive the car in and out nearly every day, but seldom remain. Cold, damp, dark... nothing inviting there. I'd like to have the money to insulate and sheet rock the place so I can use it as studio space even during the cold months, but for now I avoid it.

A few months ago, I needed to get something from the garage (I can't remember what) and found a surprise. While I had avoided what I considered an inhospitable place, local field mice considered it a haven! Little black specks were everywhere! I also found one of the mainstays of their party - a good sized bag of grass seed had been chewed open for the enjoyment of all, empty hulls strewn about hinting at the pleasantries of my little invaders. Ah, my own fault for leaving such an attractive nuisance.

But then, they crossed the line. They messed with my art supplies! I had scored a box of small dried gourds at a sale and looked forward to the day I would carve and paint them. Peering into the box, however, I found the mice had decided to do some carving of their own. About half the gourds had rough little holes chewed in the sides. The seeds were eaten. The seed skins and the loose fibers inside the gourds had been shredded and fluffed into luxurious bedding. I wondered how many teeny weeny rodents started life in my gourds.

I had to throw out the ones that were ruined. I kept the whole ones because I'd be washing them with bleach before I worked on them anyway. If only I had known, I could have prevented the damage and loss in my garage.

As I looked at that picture again today, I couldn't help but think of my grandkids. If only I had seen, if only I had known... I could have prevented the damage and loss they have experienced. It happened in secret and hiding, but if I had only opened the door and turned on the light instead of popping in and out quickly. I know I'm not to blame. I don't feel guilty, just remorseful. I will have to always pay closer attention in the future.

A Perfect Day

2009-04-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

Despite crawling into bed way too late last night, I was up on time this morning feeling fine. I watched That's Clever, cooked 5 grain cereal for breakfast and managed 20 minutes of workout (step aerobics and practice interpreting to upbeat Christian songs) time before showering and heading out the door. My hair wasn't awful today and I was able to get to Dutch Bros. for an Annihilator before work. (Okay, so it wasn't perfect. I forgot to order it Skinny.)

At work, I managed to fill my water bottle and get through the important emails before my students arrived. We got the Senior Invitations printed - and I am so thrilled to have students who have the capacity and desire to learn to operate the offset press!

During my prep period I printed all the worksheets for the scavenger hunt I designed for my History class and hid all the clues in all the right spots. Despite the many details, I managed to pull everything together just in time for class. The activity went off without a hitch and was highly successful. Students were motivated, I was able to assess their mastery, or lack thereof, of vocabulary and skills. They had a good time. They learned. I learned. I felt great about the challenges I put to them and we decided we will do something similar as their final exam in June. They even gave me suggestions to make it more difficult. We even had enough time left over to play another challenging thinking and memory game.

Lunch was great. Yam and banana followed by blueberries in strawberry yogurt. No "cheating" or unhealthy snacks. Caught up on most emails and finished one game of Pathwords before heading back to work.

My afternoon was spent preparing for a presentation I'm giving with 3 coworkers tomorrow. I felt proud that I'm mastering a new presentation software I just learned about and put together a presentation that reflected all the major points we had discussed yesterday. It should be fun and informative tomorrow and help us cover all the material. I worked overtime creating graphs of student test scores (we are presenting on using assessment data to guide our teaching decisions) and I created a second Prezi presentation looking at the data I graphed.

I didn't cop out on dinner, but grabbed a bunch of veggies and a little chicken to make a quick stir fry. It was delightful. I finished off my homemade ginger ice cream - that was made with nonfat milk. Now, I'm getting some writing done, too, in keeping with my goal of writing more regularly, if not daily.

At this rate, I can relax a bit before getting to be ON TIME tonight.

Health. Food. Work. Communications. Interpretation practice. Teaching. Learning. TV time (Go, Judge Judy!) Chores. (Yes, doing the dishes and laundry actually make it a good day because I feel good about the accomplishment and it makes life balanced. "Perfect" doesn't mean all fun and games.)

Well, my crazy pooches need to go outside. I need to put the car away. I want to enjoy the remainder of the sunshine before settling down for a good night's sleep.

What makes a perfect day for you?

Easter Morning 1980

2009-04-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

(back to the story)

You couldn't imagine a more perfect Easter morning. Even at that early hour the rising sun bathed my tent with its light. Emerging, I met a brilliant blue sky. In fact, the light intensified all the colors around me from the pines to the neighboring tents to those monolithic cliff I couldn't see at all the day before.

But the sun wasn't rising in my heart. I dreaded the news the day would bring. Having not heard from David and knowing he had lost all his equipment, I couldn't help but fear the worst. I prayed for a miracle, but braced myself for heartache, as I dressed and drove to the viewpoint below El Capitan.

Besides a few birds and a whisper of a breeze, the morning was deeply quiet. I had no binoculars, so I mounted my large telephoto lens on my camera and scanned the rock face to find that alcove where David was last seen. Even with the telephoto, David was barely a speck when I saw him. But what I saw seemed to confirm my fears. He was hanging by his waist at the end of the rope. If he was alive, he would need a rescue immediately.

By now it was 6:30 am. To me the day was in full swing, but at that hour few others were even awake. I headed to the Park Service quarters and found one ranger awake. I tried to relay my information clearly, emphasize the seriousness of the situation, yet at the same time trying not to sound like a raving lunatic. I managed to convince the young ranger to go awaken John Dill, the one who would be in charge of the rescue.

Side note: I knew John Dill because the summer before David's climbing partner had heat exhaustion and they had to be rescued.

While waiting for John to get up and begin the rescue process, I returned to my campsite, packed up all my belongings and drove to the lodge to wait. The rangers picked me up soon and we drove to the meadow below El Cap. They had a huge telescope to check out the situation before deciding on a rescue. I wanted them to just take my word, but they do have procedures (to avoid the expense of an unnecessary rescue on the word of an overly distraught wife).

John got the Questar set up and looked at the alcove to assess the situation. He saw David and expressed concern that he wasn't moving by this time. He said he was more concerned about asphyxiation than the cold since he was hanging by his waist. Then he asked me if I wanted to look. (How bad could it be if he offered, right?) I was rather shocked to see David not only hanging by his waist, but his clothing had followed the course of gravity and gathered around his ankles and upper chest, leaving most of his body exposed to the elements. I knew then it was over.

Waiting

2009-04-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Ephesians 2 - In reading this chapter today, I wished Jessica could realize the full meaning of these verses. She wants to be independent and reject the church, but she is struggling and miserable following her own path. If she were to become remade in His Image... imagine the joy and peace she could experience.

My reading in the Psalms today was to start at chapter 28, but as my eyes traveled the page to 28:1, this verse snagged their attention and begged for re-reading (yesterday’s chapter).

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

This verse applies directly to our discussions at the Deaf Young Life leadership meeting, John Stumbo’s journey and blog and my own journey, especially this week.

Wait. This isn’t something most of us like to do. It seems like a waste of time - we want a plan of action and to get results. How we need to learn to wait! Not passively idle time to twiddle our thumbs, but an expectant wait.

The verse says to “be strong” in this wait. How do we gain strength? Physically, it comes from exercise, rest and proper nutrition. Spiritually and emotionally, we need the same. Study His Word. Meditate - on scripture, nature, world events,... Seek His wisdom and insights. Pray. Pray. Pray without ceasing; in your lying down and getting up and as we walk through our day. Rest. Be still. Silence yourself to hear His voice. Not at all easy, especially when we want action, but vital.

“Take heart.” A lovely English idiom meaning to be confident or courageous. Confident of what? Courageous, when I feel so dis-couraged? Of course, you know the answer. The only unshifting, Rock-Solid stronghold is Christ. I love the ASL sign for “confident.” (If you don’t know it, one online resource: American Sign Language Browser) It shows a grasping onto... holding on, as if to a rope or lifeline. Hold on to Him.

I’m not sure what the Psalmists meaning was, but as I read this verse this morning, I pictured that old Western icon of holding down the fort, knowing that calvary was coming soon. Whatever battles we face, however strong the Enemy seems to be, however weary or overwhelmed or alone we may feel, God is near. He will never abandon us. Our circumstances and fears may obscure the feeling of His presence, but He remains. At the right time, He will intervene, show us the next steps, provide the answers... Our job is to wait, in strength and confidence.

Jesus, waiting is hard sometimes. Often our waiting is for answers and direction, so we feel suspended in some kind of limbo. We want answers. We want action. But help us to be strong, to do our part to make ourselves strong and to receive strength from You, and to take heart, to hold on to Your promises and to the knowledge that you will be with us, guide us and protect us along the way. Lord, I confess that I am not always a good "waiter." I need frequent reminders to develop good waiting skills; to rest and wait for Your time and Your answers. Quiet my heart and soul and give me the strength to wait for You.

Friday 4.17.09 Note

2009-04-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Jessica called tonight to apologize for not being there Thursday. A bit late, but at least it is a step in the right direction. I'm still not convinced she grasps the seriousness of the neglect. Time will tell.

Weary from the week

2009-04-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm weary. What an emotional week. Tonight I'm just going to be warm and cozy at home and try to relax. I have been busy most of the week, but it is catching up with me today.. on the verge of tears most of the day and couldn't wait to be done at work.

Wednesday I received a call from Jessica and found she was out of jail. ("Hi, Mom. What's up?... like nothing had happened") She called to see if I had a clock with an alarm so she and her boyfriend could get up for appointments with lawyers, courts, drug classes, etc. I told her I didn't have one, but would be willing to buy her one. I waited for her to tell me about the whole incident.

Once I asked her, she started telling me about the horrible experiences she had with the police and in jail. After a few minutes I asked, "What about the girls." She responded they were in foster care, then continued to talk about how terrible her experiences were. I had to ask several more times about the kids, and got just snippets. In the end, I realized she never showed any remorse, wasn't upset about what happened to the kids nor did she seem to understand how this experience could affect them.

I did express my concern over her not taking Kady to the doctor for over a year (and covering that up with lies), and she blamed the Oregon Health Plan for only covering appointments every two months. That is still much less than a year and I certainly could have paid for non-insurance covered appointments, if she needed them. All Jessica needed to do was ask me, instead of lying and pretending she was doing everything possible. When I think of the pain and suffering Kady has had to endure needlessly I am beyond furious.

Jessica did state that she would have the girls back "soon." - 6 months max. When I questioned this, she was irate with me for not supporting her. I hadn't even expressed that I didn't want her to get the kids back so soon, merely questioned whether she really would. After the pain she willingly allowed her child to experience, I don't know if I ever want her to get the girls back. I know treatment for her bipolar is required from the state, now, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again.

Back to the clock... I had said I would buy one and bring it over after work Thursday (yesterday). I said I would call, so be sure to listen for the phone. Yesterday, I called and called and there was no answer. Before going to a meeting, I did buy a clock and drive over to her apt. No one was there. I have not heard from her since. Just one more way she demonstrates her lack of consideration of others. If she wasn't going to be there, she should have called so I didn't waste my time, effort and gas.

I love my daughter, but am frustrated, hurt and angry about her mental state. I know she has bipolar, but she refuses to take responsibility for it and get treatment (though that will be forced, now). I am still debating over whether to become their foster home or allow them to be in another home (which could be much better in many ways, given my own limitation). Many questions need to be answered about the process and much prayer before a decision is made. But tonight, I'm cocooning. Dinner, TV and maybe a good cry - I haven't taken time for that yet and it lingered just under the surface all day. Grief needs its outlet.

Innocent Child

2009-04-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

Childhood should be innocent. Running barefoot on the grass. Trips to the zoo and beach. Stories, hugs, kisses and giggles. All while cocooned in the love of a mom and dad who would give them the world.

I've wanted that for my kids and now for my grandkids, but life doesn't always give us the things we dream. My heart breaks for my two precious granddaughters, just 4 years old and 6 months old. Their mom and dad were too busy, too self-absorbed and/or too unobservant. Both were arrested for child neglect yesterday. I'm so angry about their lies and neglect - and stealing the right of these girls to the innocent childhood they deserve.

Now they're in foster care. I won't be able to see them for a while... I just want to hold them and tell them I love them and that none of this is their fault. I've always thought that if something happened, I'd take the girls to raise. But now that it is here, I wonder if I am the best choice for them. I love them, but do I have the physical, mental and emotional ability to raise kids again? The older one seems to have her mother's bipolar, meaning years of difficult struggles. Would they be better off in a loving home with TWO parents? I always wanted that for my own girls, but their father wasn't around much, and didn't show them love anyway. (They were supposed to make him feel loved.)

Heavenly Father. I know my girls are more precious to You than even to me. You alone know their futures and what is best for them. I feel inadequate, but if You want me to raise them I know You will provide every thing I need in all areas to do the job well. If they have another family to love them, I will release them though it rip my heart from within me. I am furious and disgusted with my own daughter for the neglect and the carefully crafted lies to keep me from knowing. I want to forgive her, but not right now. I pray as she sits in her cell that she feels the weight of what she did to her children, not just feeling sorry for herself. I want to be open to Your guidance. Let me be wise in You. Above all, bless those innocent girls and shower them with Your love. Let them learn how to enjoy childhood.

The Rest of the Story...

2009-04-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

Or at least the rest of Saturday, April 5th, 1980.

With that overwhelming sense of peace also came the feeling somewhere deep inside that I had just signed my husband's death certificate. I had peace, but there was a gnawing pain, too. I wandered through the stores some more and I still occasionally drove to the meeting point and checked the walkie-talkie, but as darkness came, I had to give up for the day.

During the previous week, while David was climbing, I had camped with two other couples so I wouldn't be alone. They had left Friday evening to avoid the incoming storm. One couple were teachers and needed to ensure they'd be home to prepare for teaching. Since they were Christians, too, I knew I could count on them for some wisdom and support. So, I called them later in the evening to let them know what was going on.

They assured me that things would be okay. They felt for sure David would have holed up in that alcove and waited for a break in the weather. They felt, also, that the batteries in the walkie-talkies probably died, so not to worry about the lack of communication. I hung up after this conversation with relief and started to reprimand myself for having such pessimism earlier. I was smiling as I headed off to drive back to my campsite, feeling the next morning would bring more news.

I had only gone a few steps, however, when I ran into Ray and Suzie Jardine. Ray was and has been a big name climber and inventor of climbing equipment. I had met them earlier in the week and had spent a bit of time with Suzie. They were somber and they informed me that they had just returned from the base of El Cap (El Capitan) where they had found a rack of climbing gear and a pair of EBs (special climbing shoes). They were David's.

Without a doubt, David was in trouble and would need some type of rescue.

Saturday, April 5, 1980

2009-04-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

As noted previously, Saturday was a miserable day. I was cold most of the day and spent the day between running the truck motor and heater and sitting in the cold cab, with occasional trips to Yosemite Village to warm up. And waiting. And wondering. I had to keep checking our pre-arranged meeting place because I faced David's wrath if I wasn't there to get him when he arrived.

Trips to Yosemite Village should have been fun, but not today. I had almost no money, so couldn't do any "real" shopping. Of course, we're not talking about a mall here. There was the Visitors' Center, a book store and a general store, which had groceries and gifts (the best I remember). Normally, you could be done with shopping here is a couple of hours, at most. But I had all day.

To pass the time and keep my mind off the waiting, I literally looked at every item in every store. I remember thinking how incredibly expensive the fresh blueberries were. I found a number of nature books I wanted, wished I could take such fabulous photos as I saw on posters and wondered if I should buy a gift for Dave to celebrate his successful climb of El Capitan (and hopefully appease him a bit if I were late picking him up).

By early afternoon, the snow had begun to melt and I was noticeably worried. Surely by now, if all was well, he would have contacted me or have arrived at our meeting spot. Was he hurt? Did he stay sheltered from the snow? Did he have equipment problems? Did he need help or did things just take longer than he expected? How long do I keep up my running to our meeting point and back? Til dark? After dark? I didn't have a Plan B.

As a new Christian, I had been taught we are not to worry, but rather give our situation to God and trust Him. Throughout the day, I had prayed several times, "I give this situation to You." Yet, I still found myself worried. Something wasn't working and I felt a bit guilty or stupid for evidently not doing it "right." By around 3 pm I had wandered over to the beautiful Ahwahnee Hotel and found a quiet couch in the lobby. I needed something more... more comfort? more answers? from God. The next half hour proved to be pivotal in my life.

Please understand that the conversation that ensued happened in my head and my heart. I did not hear an audible voice nor were there angles or beams of light or other supernatural phenomenon. Just God's quiet whisper inside. Yes, I do believe in Him and believe He desires personal relationship with us. I believe He loves us and that He is good and loving. Even if I hadn't believed it fully before, I certainly did after this encounter.

"So, I know I'm not supposed to worry, as a Christian and all, and that I need to give it to You. I keep giving it to You, so why am I still worried?" I didn't expect an answer, I was just expressing frustration.

"Because, when you said the words, 'I give it to You,' your heart was saying, 'end my waiting and bring David back; give me a happy ending and prove my that my worrying was needless.' It isn't the words that stop the worrying, but a heart that truly releases the situation to Me and gives up all demands for a specific outcome."

Whoa. He was right. What I wanted was a formula that when I prayed the "right" thing, then God would give me what I wanted. In this case, it was for David to be back safe and sound and to get on with life. Was I really ready to give God control? Was I willing to give Him permission to do whatever He wanted in this situation? Wait. Did I just consider giving God permission? Like He needs my permission to do whatever He wants! Yet, He wasn't strong-arming me nor throwing His sovereignty in my face.

I wrestled with my own level of faith. Did I really believe the Bible? Did I believe the testimonies of others about God's care and provision? Did I believe it enough to let go of control? Was I willing to trust Him no matter the outcome? Whether David came back as I wanted or if he were injured, paraplegic, brain injured, crippled, dead or any number of other options? Could I live with those other options? Could I really handle life if something bad happened?

In the end, logic won out and I had to trust that all I believed about God was true and that He would be with me no matter what. Interesting, though I don't generally picture things in my head, I had this image of God wearing a blue and gray flannel shirt; a comfy, soft flannel shirt. The image was just of the chest area (yet somehow I knew it was God) and the focus was on the pocket. I was to mentally slip Dave into the pocket and know that he was in God's care - near God's heart.

So I prayed, sincerely this time, "God, I give you this situation. Whatever the outcome, I will trust You." And immediately a peace I had never known before flooded through me, even warming me a bit. The reality in my heart was that God cared for me and would be with me no matter what.

It Is Time

2009-04-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Twenty-nine years ago last night I was finishing my CB radio to Walkie-Talkie conversation with my husband. I headed back to my tent. He was bivouaced in an alcove over 3,000 feet up the Nose route of El Capitan in Yosemite valley. He had already anchored the pitch above and would be completing the climb to the top first thing in the morning. I had given him the weather report - a snow storm was on its way. He was not worried since he could easily climb that last pitch, even in snow.

Saturday morning, I awoke to a blanket of white. Clouds filled the valley and there was no visual indication that I was surrounded by the monolithic grandeur that is Yosemite. I grabbed something for breakfast, then headed down to the meadow to make radio contact with Dave once again. Depending on the time he awoke, he could have completed his descent by mid-morning. I did NOT want to face his fury, so I dared not be late.

We had been married less than two years and it had been rocky almost from the start. He decided he had been limited for too long and rebelled against nearly everything I thought he believed in. He had a nasty temper and wanted things his way. I tried hard to please him, but it seemed we were always at odds over something. Six months earlier, he even had a girlfriend. He swears nothing physical happened between them, but I was never sure. Despite the tough times, things had improved since the first of the year. I would soon have my teaching license and we were making plans that would suit both of us.

Saturday was hard. I couldn't raise David on the CB. I didn't know whether his battery had died, he had dropped the thing or if he was just busy climbing. He only turned it on occasionally, so it wasn't too odd to not reach him. But what was I to do? I couldn't sit in our pick up truck waiting. If I ran the motor, it wasted gas. Without the motor, there was no heat. I could return to the village, but if Dave made it to the meeting spot and I wasn't there, I was in trouble.

I did a little of everything. I waited until I couldn't stand the cold any more, then ran the motor and heater for a bit. Once in a while I would drive back to the village and wander through the stores to stay warm. I'd stay only as long as I thought I could before driving back to our meeting spot to see if he was there. Round and round. Waiting, cold, waiting.

One (Wo)man's Trash...

2008-07-10T15:23:00.001-07:00

I can't believe my daughter threw this wonderfully textured paper into the trash! It was her under paper for some inking and coloring she did on some cardstock suns for decorations at work. It is letter sized and much richer looking in person than this scan shows. I quickly snatched it out of the garbage can. I'm not sure what I will make of it, but I love the colors.

I am also preparing for camp. I head off to Northwest Christian Camp for the Deaf as Craft Director on the 19th. Before I leave, I need to complete craft ideas, write directions for my assistants, make samples and prepare the 3' x 8' board for a pictorial mosaic we will make as a "thank you" gift to the camp facility.

In addition, my daughter and I "have to" defend our title at county grilling champs at the county fair on Saturday the 12th. :-) I still can't believe we won last year! We dubbed our team the Sauce-y Chicks. Michelle designed the barbecue-sauce-splot logo and we collaborated on the Apple-Chipotle recipe. This year we're working on an Asian flavored sauce. (and I hope I don't end the competition by severly spraining my ankle like last year!)

Grandma's Girl

2008-06-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

Summer is finally here. I've almost wrapped up things at school. I'm making progress on projects at home. Things are looking up.

Part of the stress-busting includes having my granddaughter over to pick raspberries and blow bubbles. We also stamped this shirt we bought at the dollar store a few days ago. She picked the stamps and colors and showed where she wanted each shape. She helped press the stamps down. I can't wait to do more projects with her this summer. At 3 1/2 she is ripe for art and cooking times with grandma!

The Dress

2008-04-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, here's the dress on my beautiful younger daughter. After a few unexpected difficulties, we barely got it done on time and had no time for alterations.

She still loved it and her friends liked it, too. The dress is a purple-black taffeta with a blue, bejeweled sheer over the taffeta on the corset. The skirt and corset are two pieces, but we did tack them together for her comfort.

Lots of work. Less than $100 total. And the last prom dress I'll have to make. :-)

(Picture taken about 7 pm - during one of our sun breaks during a crazy-weather day.)

Break Time

2008-04-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ah. Time to take just a few moments to breathe and maybe run outside to catch that last ray of setting sun - since the forecast isn't so lovely the next few days. A prediction of snow down to 1,000 feet usually makes us wish for that extra 500 feet to get snow on the ground here, but in the last part of April I am ready for more sunny days.

However, maybe a dusting of white would be a welcome sight after seeing nothing but dark purple taffeta for days on end. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit. But making a floor-length prom dress from 10 yards of 60" wide taffeta FEELS like mountains. Then, there are the 15 yards of black lining fabric (including the "stay" - a second lining that the poofs of taffeta are tacked to). And don't get me started on how many yards of boning have to be laid down each seam of the corset-style bodice!

Last night, I listened (and occasionally glanced at) HGTV while working away. Tonight, it is just my iTunes and I. I have some oldies, movie soundtracks (Sound of Music, Pirates and Polar Express), contemporary Christian favorites and even Christmas music. It's all playing randomly while I stitch away. I may switch to TV when "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" comes on, though it is embarrassing how many answers I, as a high school teaher, don't know.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't be grumbling, Lord, but after working hard all day then facing this dress at night don't I deserve a little "poor me" time? No? Yes, it was my choice. (Who could blame me after looking at the prices of store-bought dresses?) And I probably could have pushed harder for my daughter to make a decision about a pattern and fabric earlier. Okay. And I also admit I rather like the challenge of making something (hopefully) stunning out of a few yards of fabric and a spool of thread. Right. My choice. No room for complaining.

And it's time to get back to work!

Flowers

2008-04-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to have all my Hawaii flower pictures uploaded to my Flickr account so I could put a flower slide-show on this page, but I have to finish my daughter's prom dress first. (There is no way I can include even a fraction of the photos in one little blog!)

I can't say I was impressed by the flowers the moment we arrived in Kona. After all, it was dark and I couldn't SEE any flowers! However, beginning the next morning from the time I stepped onto the lanai I was treated to such a vast array of colors and shapes and scents... Truly breathtaking!

One of the most awesome memories from the trip was our visit to Hawaii Tropical Botanical Gardens. Located just north of Hilo, you have to take this twisty, narrow side road for several miles (and of course, they were doing construction on the road when we were there, so that took up half of that narrow road for a bit!). Once we arrived at the gift shop and purchased our tickets, we had a lovely walk down wooden and asphalt trails. Yes, I said "down." The gardens are on a fairly steep hillside, but it isn't too difficult to navigate. And once at the bottom, you can "cheat" like we did and hire the golf cart to take you to the top for just $5!

Everything is clearly labeled, but don't ask the names of all the flowers I took pictures of. If I was just a sight-seer, I might have thought to include the signs with the plants so I'd have that record, but as a photographer, I was more concerned with colors and lighting and cropping. I could have spent many more hours here, but we had a helicopter to catch so could only stay for about 90 minutes.

Another great flower venue was our hotel, the Dolphin Bay Hotel in Hilo. Their grounds were like a miniature botanical gardens, sans the signs. Here we were also treated to beautiful birds and cascades of bananas and clusters of papaya. (You can pick and eat any of the fruit on the grounds while you are there. But they keep fresh fruit in the lobby so you don't have to figure out how to shimmy up the trees!)

Still wondering about that burlap bag below? Soon...

Hmmm...

2008-04-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

Now, you know there must be a story behind this. You'll have to come back for a blog update in a day or so to find out!

serendipitous

2008-04-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

No vacation is perfect. With so many variables out of our control (weather, traffic, irresponsible customer service representatives,...) one can never be certain that plans will go as expected. So, we take a deep breath and forge ahead and hope for the best.

Perfection aside, our Hawaii trip was especially enjoyable. Time and again when things didn't go as expected, we found they often went better. From having no traffic on the Southern California freeways going into LAX, we had pleasant surprises around nearly every bend in our journey. Mind you, not all the blessings we encountered would have held meaning for other travelers, but for us they were treasures.

After arriving "late" in Kailua-Kona on the Big Island of Hawaii (only 8 pm their time, but that meant 11 pm for us!), we managed to get to our room and flop into bed. Our first morning we brewed and enjoyed the sample of Kona coffee that came with the room sitting on the lanai. I have one of those inquiring minds and must learn about the flora and fauna everywhere I go. I am fascinated by the colors, shapes, sounds and habits of living things. To be in a new location with so many unfamiliar plants, flowers, birds and animals to see... I was thrilled! I saw many new birds and even a mongoose just outside our door. (So glad I bought the new camera and camcorder before going!!)

We were planning two nights on the road (Hilo and Volcano House - yes, the one that was evacuated and closed yesterday because of elevated sulphur dioxide levels at Kilauea), so we packed our things and headed out. Our receptionist didn't know of any good spots near the resort for breakfast, so we figured we'd find something as we went along. We headed south out of town and found there weren't many commercial establishments in that direction. Soon, we started to get hungry and at last spied a small cafe (as we drove past). After we turned around and got back, we found the place was packed. It wouldn't have been a problem to wait, but there were NO parking places to be found. We went on down the road, knowing we had a few granola bars tucked in our luggage, if it came to that.

Luckily, it didn't. Here's where we could really use that "serendipitous" word. I'm sure that first cafe would have been fine, but we wound up at The Coffee Shack, about one mile south of the Captain Cook Post Office on Hwy 11. It doesn't look like much from the outside, but we were hoping for some local flavor. And we got it. Great breakfast, but even better was eating out on the lanai overlooking a beautiful panorama. I wrote notes on most of the fabric postcards I brought to mail to some ladies in my exchange group. Best of all we were accompanied by bright green geckos on the balcony railings! What a treat! The intense blue eyes and cute little toes - what's not to love! (And they didn't try even once to sell me car insurance.)

We left with full bellies, but more importantly we were full of joy and laughter and expectancy. Who knew what was waiting at our next stop?

Pre-Hawaii

2008-04-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

Our trip to the Big Island of Hawaii was scheduled during our Spring Break, but due to flight prices, we actually missed two school days at the beginning and another two school days at the end of the break. My daughter and I are usually both very dedicated and responsible at school/work, so I decided a few extra days (for once) would be okay. And I do so want to spend as much time with my mom as possible, since we live so far apart.

We left Salem, OR, early on March 20. I found out later that the weather turned weird that day and included rain, hail and SNOW! Southern California was sunny and much warmer!

While in Upland, CA, for a few days my mom treated my daughter and I to manicures and pedicures for Easter. (Really for the trip, but she justified the extra money by calling it an Easter present!) It was fun and different (not something I treat myself to at home - though I may start...).

My school colors include purple, so I got purple toes. My fingernails become too brittle with polish, so they were just nicely buffed. My daughter chose a rosy color and only afterward realized they were a perfect match for her new filp-flops!

We enjoy time at mom's for lots of reasons. We walk a lot, and that is good for us. She has a few neat stores nearby - including an Italian deli/store that smells wonderful (baked goods, cheeses, herbs,...) and has a great assortment of goodies! We also play dominoes - a game called muggins. We play over and over. It is a great time just chatting and we always wind up laughing so hard we cry.

Aloha!

2008-04-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Where does one start? It can't be a travelogue. No matter how much one tries to describe a place objectively, the "stories" of trips and vacations and holidays invariably weave personal perspective with objective information. We all see the world through the lenses of our past experiences, beliefs and expectations. I suppose the best we can hope for is an audience that appreciates our viewpoints, quirks and eccentricities.

So, welcome to the Big Island as viewed through DeBee colored glasses! It won't always be chronological or even logical, but I hope you enjoy the journey.

The idea began (and continued) with my generous mother inviting my younger daughter and I to go to Hawaii with her. Knowing I struggle to make ends meet each month (and with a daughter looking at college in the fall), she offered to pay our way. How could I say "no"? Besides, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. Not for the sun and surf, but for the natural elements: flowers, birds, waterfalls and volcanoes.

We researched online and picked what seemed to be a dependable guide book, then set about the task of choosing a package deal, plus a few extras on our own. We ended up with five nights at the Kona Coast Resort, knowing we would actually spend two of those nights in other places (Hilo and Volcano). I started reading the Hilo newspaper online and occasionally browsed images of Kilauea. We began making our "wish list" of things to see and do, knowing our limited time would force us to prioritize along the way. I mapped these on Google Earth and began to get a sense of "the lay of the land."

After nearly 9 months of anticipation, we took off from LAX on Sunday, March 23; finally on the way!

Breathe

2008-01-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

Deep inhale. Slowly exhale. Feel the calm. Finally.

After 5 days of intense, long work days I was finally able to finish our special publication for the annual basketball tournament that we host about every 8 years. The students had worked on the design and, once we had the team photos and information from the other 7 schools, had been busy cropping and typing and working on the layouts. Unfortunately, with the many interruptions in recent weeks (not to mention schools that just couldn't seem to get all the correct information to us) they just couldn't meet the printer's deadline - which was Monday (01/14/2008).

Yesterday, I just finished in time to drive the CD to the printer. It was done. (Well, almost. After I dropped it off I realized I hadn't changed some specs on the cover artwork. I'll take 2 minutes and do that first thing this morning, burn a CD and run it to the printer during my prep period.) Now, I can start teaching again and get back to a more normal routine with that huge project off my shoulders. I have to say it was worth the trouble, though. I think this will be the best tournament program ever. Our design rocks!

So, how did I celebrate and reward myself? I took my older dog, Buddy, to PetsMart for his grooming appointment! Then I sat in my car, heater running, trying to decide where to eat dinner and what to do while I waited. I wanted someplace warm as the heater wasn't really working in my classroom and I was still chilled. I finally decided to go to Borders first to pick up a book or magazine to read while dining alone.

After looking around a while and realizing Borders was cold (my nose is the first thing to complain), I decided on a book: Journal Revolution by Linda Woods and karen Dinino. (Rise Up and Create is their motto.) In thumbing through, it looks chock full of various techniques that I can apply to collage, postcards, quilts and whatever art form I am doing in addition to making a fabulous journal (something I've wanted to work on). I used my $5 rewards money (okay, you probably know that I had to SPEND enough money at Borders to get the rewards back!), so didn't feel too bad about indulging myself.

Then I went to Marie Calendars, got a nice booth and had a bowl of split pea soup with their famous corn bread and honey butter. I read the book and ate my soup. Ahh. My cell phone was home charging, so no temptation to call my daughter and check in. I decided to nix the grocery shopping - we could survive another day and that eliminated another activity from my evening.

I finally went back to PetsMart, picked up a few pet supplies (including Christmas clearance toys for my dogs) and got Buddy. I felt so good! I had had about 2 hours of "me" time after the unrelenting stress of recent days and I was happy. The rest of the week will still be busy, but this huge "breath" was what I needed. So glad God gives us the ability to heal our tired souls, if we just take the time..

Staving Off the Darkness

2008-01-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

It does happen. Sometimes lightning does strike twice... even three times.

Three weeks ago one of my student's older sister was killed when her car slid on an icy road and crashed. I didn't know the sister, but since I care for my student the loss had an impact on me.

Last week we lost a friend in our Shepherding Group (like a Sunday School class, but more of a family or community). He was just 43. Despite many years of sobriety, the years of substance abuse in his past just took its toll on his body. The loss was sudden and his smile and humor will be sorely missed.

This morning, another accident on an icy road. This time a younger sister of another student. My student was in the vehicle, but had minor injuries. His 14 year old sister has severe brain injury and we're not sure if she'll make it. (We pray for a miracle.)

Sometimes pain or sadness comes in waves. Though these weren't family members nor very close friends, I do get emotional. My first husband died when we were both 23, so I feel the impact of the permanence of death. I remember how grieving wasn't what I expected - full of ups and downs. I remember how it feels to see or hear something and think how you can't wait to tell... then remember they won't be there to hear.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not wallowing in gloom and despair! I am realistic about the struggles with pain and loss on this earth, but I have a Friend who walks with me and holds me at all times. I rejoice for my friend from church because he is no longer in pain. He "runs with the angels on streets made of gold.." (Mark Harris, "I Wish You Were Here") The song will be the basis of an art quilt I will make in his memory - a postcard from heaven.

This evening I used a technique from my Celebrate Your Creative Self workshop group online and created a response I call "Staving Off the Darkeness." (See my Heart Felt Art blog)My heart may feel down or "flattened" by events, but between my poor heart and the multiple "lightning strikes" Christ shields me. He has laid down His life for me and continues to love and protect me during life's storms.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm amazed. I actually stayed awake past midnight and rang in 2008 watching the Times Square ball drop (on TV, of course) and making noise with my daughter and her friends (a small sleepover party). I was also working on a jigsaw puzzle, a tradition going back to my youth. (I would always get at least one puzzle for Christmas and would spend New Year's Eve putting it together. It kept me up and gave me hours of uninterrupted time to work on it.) Now begins the most difficult weeks of the year - remembering to write '08!

We always watch the Rose Parade on New Year's morning. I even made the traditional donut run (we always get donuts for the Macy's parade and the Rose parade). I grew up in Southern California and went to the parade in person a couple times. The floats are beautiful on TV, but you can't imagine the true size, color and amazing use of flowers & other natural materials until you see them up close and personal. After the parade, the floats are parked and on display for several days. Our family often went to see them.

A few years ago my younger daughter and I worked on the float for my alma mater, Cal Poly. My crafting and sewing skills came in handy as I had to dress a skeleton in a leather vest (covered with spices) after the skeleton had already been bolted into place. I had to actually sew the vest together by hand on the skeleton (which my daughter was carefully covering with crushed white rice). Later, we helped iron ti leaves and glued them on the sides of the ship.

My New Year's Resolutions? I don't make resolutions any more. I understand and embrace the concept of a fresh new start - out with the old and in with the new, but I need more new starts than once per year. Before, I would make great promises to myself to eat better, exercise more, lose weight and be more consistent with my devotional and Bible study time. But by the middle of January something would have thrown at least one of those resolutions off track. I'd feel like a failure and give up hope of changing.

However, Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. New every morning. Now, if I "mess up" on my goals or make mistakes or commit any number of sins, I can begin again immediately. He is always there waiting faithfully when I have been unfaithful.

I look forward to an amazing year of furthering my artistic skills, getting in better shape and improving my "people" skills. These fall under the greater "umbrella" of becoming the woman God wants me to be. I want to journal and write more. I hope to take an art class of some kind. I will travel to Hawaii and maybe Australia/New Zealand with my mom. My younger daughter will graduate from high school and begin college. She is applying to go on a mission trip to Burkina Faso (in West Africa). She wants to teach in West Africa after college, so this would be right up her alley. My older daughter begins the year in a better place than last year, having her own apartment and a job. I pray she will move ahead in her life more this year, too.

God bless each of you. May you reach your goals and live your dreams as you remember His love for you is new every morning!

The Heart of Chirstmas

2007-12-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

Luke 2:19 - But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.
Luke 2:51b - But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.
To ponder: To think deeply about; to reflect on; to weigh in the mind

This teen mom pondered. In the core of her being, she ruminated on the events surrounding her son. An angel brought the news that she was to be the mother of the Messiah, but that also meant bearing with the stares and shame of being pregnant before marriage (a much more serious offense then than today). Her relative had a child in old age. She gave birth in a barn amid animals and hay, seemingly alone and forgotten by the world. Yet soon shepherds arrived to worship the baby, having been sent by angels. In the temple a few days later, some elder servants of God rejoiced over the baby and blessed them. Time went by and wise men came from the east bearing gifts. At age 12, her boy was impressing men in the temple with his teaching. Yes, Mary had much to ponder.

I had to wonder if I spend enough time pondering. Do I think deeply and reflect on the events and situations in life? Or do I make snap decisions and jump to conclusions? It takes time to ponder and I am often too rushed to do it properly. But when I take the time to weigh the day's events, consider my choices and reflect on Scripture my life is richer, more satisfying and more exciting. I can't always control my schedule, but I want to increase the amount of time I "ponder in [my] heart."

A merry Christmas filled with joy and peace to each of you!

What's in a heart?

2007-12-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

When I began a study of "hearts" in the Bible last August I wasn't sure what I'd find. I soon learned that the Bible speaks of many kinds of hearts: our hearts, God's heart, good hearts, troubled hearts, hearts of evildoers... And while we know our heart is what pumps our blood and keeps us alive, we also understand that the word is used to denote character and motives, hopes and desires. The "heart" of the matter means what is central or essential.

Our non-physical hearts, that core of our mental, emotional and spiritual selves, also pumps life through us. How would we survive the day if we "lose heart?" Imagine how dreary the life uncentered, without hope or purpose. (Not too hard to imagine because I have been there - and still lapse into a heartless state on occasion.)

This morning's study brought me to Psalm 33:21, "In Him our HEARTS rejoice, for we trust in His holy name." This may sound odd to many people, but for those of us who do trust in God we find our hearts rejoicing more and more. My life has more and more purpose, joy and hope. My life has more heart!

Christmas

2007-12-16T22:31:00.000-08:00

This morning's lesson went pretty well, despite my feeling under-prepared. We explored some of the common myths or misconceptions about Christmas. For example, contrary to the popular carol, there were probably more than three wise men that made that cross-countries trek to see the baby Jesus. And when they arrived, the family were in a house, no longer with the animals in the manger.

It really isn't a big deal, though. The point is that Jesus was born. The fact that the wise men came shows how they honored him. The number of wise men and the exact day they came isn't really the point.

And while we have no idea on what day or even in what season the Christ Child was born, this formal celebration in December is a great time to reflect on His coming, His love for the world and the purpose of His life.

Peace and Joy to you this season.

Opening Remarks

2007-12-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

This probably isn't the best day to start this journal. I've been feeling tired and disconnected all day. I haven't made one of my "daily" hearts for 3 days. I am nearly a week late and still don't have my Christmas fiber postcards ready for the exchange. I don't have my family Christmas cards ready. I haven't managed to get all the dishes or laundry done. I'm just ready to crawl into bed - after a very unproductive day.

But I did string one length of garland on the porch. I spend time with my teenage daughter. And I did needed research online in preparation for teaching tomorrow morning. I did accomplish something.

How often is my self-worth dependent on what I do? I know in my head that my value as a person doesn't change based on how much was checked off my To-Do list, but I often feel that way. I'm learning to say, "I wish I had done..." instead of "I'm no good."

So, as I head to bed, I can sleep in peace knowing that even though my list didn't have the number of checks I would have liked my worth as a person remains immeasurable.