Weary from the week

I'm weary. What an emotional week. Tonight I'm just going to be warm and cozy at home and try to relax. I have been busy most of the week, but it is catching up with me today.. on the verge of tears most of the day and couldn't wait to be done at work.

Wednesday I received a call from Jessica and found she was out of jail. ("Hi, Mom. What's up?... like nothing had happened") She called to see if I had a clock with an alarm so she and her boyfriend could get up for appointments with lawyers, courts, drug classes, etc. I told her I didn't have one, but would be willing to buy her one. I waited for her to tell me about the whole incident.

Once I asked her, she started telling me about the horrible experiences she had with the police and in jail. After a few minutes I asked, "What about the girls." She responded they were in foster care, then continued to talk about how terrible her experiences were. I had to ask several more times about the kids, and got just snippets. In the end, I realized she never showed any remorse, wasn't upset about what happened to the kids nor did she seem to understand how this experience could affect them.

I did express my concern over her not taking Kady to the doctor for over a year (and covering that up with lies), and she blamed the Oregon Health Plan for only covering appointments every two months. That is still much less than a year and I certainly could have paid for non-insurance covered appointments, if she needed them. All Jessica needed to do was ask me, instead of lying and pretending she was doing everything possible. When I think of the pain and suffering Kady has had to endure needlessly I am beyond furious.

Jessica did state that she would have the girls back "soon." - 6 months max. When I questioned this, she was irate with me for not supporting her. I hadn't even expressed that I didn't want her to get the kids back so soon, merely questioned whether she really would. After the pain she willingly allowed her child to experience, I don't know if I ever want her to get the girls back. I know treatment for her bipolar is required from the state, now, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again.

Back to the clock... I had said I would buy one and bring it over after work Thursday (yesterday). I said I would call, so be sure to listen for the phone. Yesterday, I called and called and there was no answer. Before going to a meeting, I did buy a clock and drive over to her apt. No one was there. I have not heard from her since. Just one more way she demonstrates her lack of consideration of others. If she wasn't going to be there, she should have called so I didn't waste my time, effort and gas.

I love my daughter, but am frustrated, hurt and angry about her mental state. I know she has bipolar, but she refuses to take responsibility for it and get treatment (though that will be forced, now). I am still debating over whether to become their foster home or allow them to be in another home (which could be much better in many ways, given my own limitation). Many questions need to be answered about the process and much prayer before a decision is made. But tonight, I'm cocooning. Dinner, TV and maybe a good cry - I haven't taken time for that yet and it lingered just under the surface all day. Grief needs its outlet.