Sunday, April 5, 2009

Saturday, April 5, 1980

As noted previously, Saturday was a miserable day. I was cold most of the day and spent the day between running the truck motor and heater and sitting in the cold cab, with occasional trips to Yosemite Village to warm up. And waiting. And wondering. I had to keep checking our pre-arranged meeting place because I faced David's wrath if I wasn't there to get him when he arrived.

Trips to Yosemite Village should have been fun, but not today. I had almost no money, so couldn't do any "real" shopping. Of course, we're not talking about a mall here. There was the Visitors' Center, a book store and a general store, which had groceries and gifts (the best I remember). Normally, you could be done with shopping here is a couple of hours, at most. But I had all day.

To pass the time and keep my mind off the waiting, I literally looked at every item in every store. I remember thinking how incredibly expensive the fresh blueberries were. I found a number of nature books I wanted, wished I could take such fabulous photos as I saw on posters and wondered if I should buy a gift for Dave to celebrate his successful climb of El Capitan (and hopefully appease him a bit if I were late picking him up).

By early afternoon, the snow had begun to melt and I was noticeably worried. Surely by now, if all was well, he would have contacted me or have arrived at our meeting spot. Was he hurt? Did he stay sheltered from the snow? Did he have equipment problems? Did he need help or did things just take longer than he expected? How long do I keep up my running to our meeting point and back? Til dark? After dark? I didn't have a Plan B.

As a new Christian, I had been taught we are not to worry, but rather give our situation to God and trust Him. Throughout the day, I had prayed several times, "I give this situation to You." Yet, I still found myself worried. Something wasn't working and I felt a bit guilty or stupid for evidently not doing it "right." By around 3 pm I had wandered over to the beautiful Ahwahnee Hotel and found a quiet couch in the lobby. I needed something more... more comfort? more answers? from God. The next half hour proved to be pivotal in my life.

Please understand that the conversation that ensued happened in my head and my heart. I did not hear an audible voice nor were there angles or beams of light or other supernatural phenomenon. Just God's quiet whisper inside. Yes, I do believe in Him and believe He desires personal relationship with us. I believe He loves us and that He is good and loving. Even if I hadn't believed it fully before, I certainly did after this encounter.

"So, I know I'm not supposed to worry, as a Christian and all, and that I need to give it to You. I keep giving it to You, so why am I still worried?" I didn't expect an answer, I was just expressing frustration.

"Because, when you said the words, 'I give it to You,' your heart was saying, 'end my waiting and bring David back; give me a happy ending and prove my that my worrying was needless.' It isn't the words that stop the worrying, but a heart that truly releases the situation to Me and gives up all demands for a specific outcome."

Whoa. He was right. What I wanted was a formula that when I prayed the "right" thing, then God would give me what I wanted. In this case, it was for David to be back safe and sound and to get on with life. Was I really ready to give God control? Was I willing to give Him permission to do whatever He wanted in this situation? Wait. Did I just consider giving God permission? Like He needs my permission to do whatever He wants! Yet, He wasn't strong-arming me nor throwing His sovereignty in my face.

I wrestled with my own level of faith. Did I really believe the Bible? Did I believe the testimonies of others about God's care and provision? Did I believe it enough to let go of control? Was I willing to trust Him no matter the outcome? Whether David came back as I wanted or if he were injured, paraplegic, brain injured, crippled, dead or any number of other options? Could I live with those other options? Could I really handle life if something bad happened?

In the end, logic won out and I had to trust that all I believed about God was true and that He would be with me no matter what. Interesting, though I don't generally picture things in my head, I had this image of God wearing a blue and gray flannel shirt; a comfy, soft flannel shirt. The image was just of the chest area (yet somehow I knew it was God) and the focus was on the pocket. I was to mentally slip Dave into the pocket and know that he was in God's care - near God's heart.

So I prayed, sincerely this time, "God, I give you this situation. Whatever the outcome, I will trust You." And immediately a peace I had never known before flooded through me, even warming me a bit. The reality in my heart was that God cared for me and would be with me no matter what.

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